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Showing posts with label kindness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kindness. Show all posts
Saturday, 18 May 2013
Sunday, 5 May 2013
Blinded By A Bear: How My Story Can Help Others by Dan Bigley
The man I once was died in an instant just below Alaska's Russian River Campground the night of July 14, 2003. The backcountry-wandering, ski-bumming, laid-back 25-year-old in me was killed when a grizzly bear pinned me to the ground, cocked its head sideways, opened its jaws and clamped down hard across my face.
Eggshells crunching. Then a hideous POP. Suspended in oscillating blue light, my long-dead grandfather nodded at me in the distance. I started to go to him.
As I lay dying, somehow it occurred to me that I had a choice. I slowly turned back. Rather than take the easy way out, I decided to fight for my life with every ounce of strength that hadn't yet drained out of my body. I promised myself that if I fought and lived, I would never look back and regret it.
That midsummer day had started with such promise. It was gloriously warm and sunny, the red salmon were running, I was going fishing with a buddy and I was in love.
I was living at the time in Girdwood, a little ski town with a backdrop of glaciers, peaks and sea. I had a great job taking troubled kids on outdoor outings. Just the week before, I had bought a cabin high in the Chugach Mountains with a view of Denali and hiking and skiing out my front door. After a year of having a crush on an incredible woman named Amber, we had finally started a relationship -- the night before the bear.
I'd thought this many times before, but on that day in particular, as I headed down the Kenai Peninsula for a day of salmon fishing, I felt the universe was looking after me.
For that day to end as it did was beyond comprehension.
The surgeon rousted from bed the night of my mauling, Dr. James Kallman, had no idea what he was in for as he fumbled for the pager on his bedside table. When he called in to Providence hospital, the emergency room doctor was so rattled she couldn't find words to describe my injuries.
"It's terrible, just horrible," she told him. "Please, we just need you to come."
"Upper nose, eyes, forehead anatomy unrecognizable," is how the medevac report put it.
Once Dr. Kallman saw my CT scans, then saw for himself the mess the bear had made of my face, he understood. Among my cluster bomb of injuries, my brain was exposed to the world. Although he was amazed I was still alive, chances were high that I would die of infection. If I did somehow pull through, there was no question I would be blind.
The universe is still looking out for me because I am alive today. Obviously. But not just alive, I am thriving.
Before the bear, I was an adventure-seeking missile. Hike here, climb there, fish at every opportunity. That last part hasn't changed; I still fish every chance I get. But there's nothing like having your face in the jaws of a bear to rearrange your priorities.
I climb different kinds of mountains now. I have a master's degree in social work, and a challenging and fulfilling job working with troubled children and families at Denali Family Services. In seven years, I have gone from clinician to clinical director of this nonprofit social service agency. I'll be teaching a master's level class at the University of Alaska-Anchorage in the fall. And, I teamed up with veteran Alaskan writer Debra McKinney to tell my story in the newly released book, Beyond the Bear: How I Learned to Live and Love again After Being Blinded by a Bear, published by Globe Pequot/Lyons Press. My hope is that my story will help others navigate through tragedies of their own.
Oh, and remember the girl I was in love with the night before the bear? Several months into my recovery, she and I fell in love all over again. We're now married and have two beautiful children.
"Daddy, are you blind?" my daughter asked me when she was 3.
"Yep, I'm blind."
"Are you happy?"
"Yep, I'm happy."
She paused a moment, then asked: "So you're blind AND you're happy?"
I am. To sum up the last 10 years in one sentence: The bigger my life, the smaller my disability.
I went through hell, there's no denying that. The pain, the confusion, the doubts, the nightmares, the sense of loss that ached to the bone. But over time I adapted to life in the dark. I became determined not to be just a survivor, but to live fully.
I wouldn't have made it this far without a caring community and the kindness of strangers. Like the man from Talkeetna who offered me one of his eyes. (He didn't know that with both optic nerves severed by the bear's "death blow," I had been blinded instantly and permanently.) I would never have made it this far without the technical and emotional support it took to get me through graduate school. I never would have made it this far without love.
I felt that love in the blue place when I was dying, and it gave me the strength I needed to fight for my life. I felt it when I was first told I was blind and it gave me the courage of acceptance. I have felt it every day since.
I choose on a daily basis to feel grateful. I am grateful to have seen the world for the first 25 years of my life. I am grateful for the things I still can do, and don't waste time dwelling on all I've lost. So I can't go white-water kayaking or run like a crazy person down a steep mountain trail like I used to. But I have a fulfilling career, a family I cherish and a community that's got my back. So I can't read storybooks to my kids at bedtime, but they can read them to me. And I can go hiking, camping, fishing and play hide-and-seek, even though I always lose.
Nearly 10 years after the bear, I still don't take a single day for granted. Every breath is a gift. The bear that took my eyes was the last thing I ever saw, but that bear gave me a new way to see.
Eggshells crunching. Then a hideous POP. Suspended in oscillating blue light, my long-dead grandfather nodded at me in the distance. I started to go to him.
As I lay dying, somehow it occurred to me that I had a choice. I slowly turned back. Rather than take the easy way out, I decided to fight for my life with every ounce of strength that hadn't yet drained out of my body. I promised myself that if I fought and lived, I would never look back and regret it.
That midsummer day had started with such promise. It was gloriously warm and sunny, the red salmon were running, I was going fishing with a buddy and I was in love.
I was living at the time in Girdwood, a little ski town with a backdrop of glaciers, peaks and sea. I had a great job taking troubled kids on outdoor outings. Just the week before, I had bought a cabin high in the Chugach Mountains with a view of Denali and hiking and skiing out my front door. After a year of having a crush on an incredible woman named Amber, we had finally started a relationship -- the night before the bear.
I'd thought this many times before, but on that day in particular, as I headed down the Kenai Peninsula for a day of salmon fishing, I felt the universe was looking after me.
For that day to end as it did was beyond comprehension.
The surgeon rousted from bed the night of my mauling, Dr. James Kallman, had no idea what he was in for as he fumbled for the pager on his bedside table. When he called in to Providence hospital, the emergency room doctor was so rattled she couldn't find words to describe my injuries.
"It's terrible, just horrible," she told him. "Please, we just need you to come."
"Upper nose, eyes, forehead anatomy unrecognizable," is how the medevac report put it.
Once Dr. Kallman saw my CT scans, then saw for himself the mess the bear had made of my face, he understood. Among my cluster bomb of injuries, my brain was exposed to the world. Although he was amazed I was still alive, chances were high that I would die of infection. If I did somehow pull through, there was no question I would be blind.
The universe is still looking out for me because I am alive today. Obviously. But not just alive, I am thriving.
Before the bear, I was an adventure-seeking missile. Hike here, climb there, fish at every opportunity. That last part hasn't changed; I still fish every chance I get. But there's nothing like having your face in the jaws of a bear to rearrange your priorities.
I climb different kinds of mountains now. I have a master's degree in social work, and a challenging and fulfilling job working with troubled children and families at Denali Family Services. In seven years, I have gone from clinician to clinical director of this nonprofit social service agency. I'll be teaching a master's level class at the University of Alaska-Anchorage in the fall. And, I teamed up with veteran Alaskan writer Debra McKinney to tell my story in the newly released book, Beyond the Bear: How I Learned to Live and Love again After Being Blinded by a Bear, published by Globe Pequot/Lyons Press. My hope is that my story will help others navigate through tragedies of their own.
Oh, and remember the girl I was in love with the night before the bear? Several months into my recovery, she and I fell in love all over again. We're now married and have two beautiful children.
"Daddy, are you blind?" my daughter asked me when she was 3.
"Yep, I'm blind."
"Are you happy?"
"Yep, I'm happy."
She paused a moment, then asked: "So you're blind AND you're happy?"
I am. To sum up the last 10 years in one sentence: The bigger my life, the smaller my disability.
I went through hell, there's no denying that. The pain, the confusion, the doubts, the nightmares, the sense of loss that ached to the bone. But over time I adapted to life in the dark. I became determined not to be just a survivor, but to live fully.
I wouldn't have made it this far without a caring community and the kindness of strangers. Like the man from Talkeetna who offered me one of his eyes. (He didn't know that with both optic nerves severed by the bear's "death blow," I had been blinded instantly and permanently.) I would never have made it this far without the technical and emotional support it took to get me through graduate school. I never would have made it this far without love.
I felt that love in the blue place when I was dying, and it gave me the strength I needed to fight for my life. I felt it when I was first told I was blind and it gave me the courage of acceptance. I have felt it every day since.
I choose on a daily basis to feel grateful. I am grateful to have seen the world for the first 25 years of my life. I am grateful for the things I still can do, and don't waste time dwelling on all I've lost. So I can't go white-water kayaking or run like a crazy person down a steep mountain trail like I used to. But I have a fulfilling career, a family I cherish and a community that's got my back. So I can't read storybooks to my kids at bedtime, but they can read them to me. And I can go hiking, camping, fishing and play hide-and-seek, even though I always lose.
Nearly 10 years after the bear, I still don't take a single day for granted. Every breath is a gift. The bear that took my eyes was the last thing I ever saw, but that bear gave me a new way to see.
You Deserve Happiness, So Stop Settling for Less
A scene in the film Me and You and Everyone We Know -- a quirky love story about a lonely shoe salesman and an equally lonely artist -- shows the artist in the store where the salesman works, waiting while a friend shops.
The shoe salesman glances at the artist's shoes and asks, "Are those comfortable?"
She says, "I guess so. I mean, they kind of rub my ankles, but all shoes do that. I have low ankles."
He looks her in the eye and says, "You think you deserve that pain, but you don't."
You think you deserve that pain, but you don't.
Too many of us go through life quietly enduring things that make us unhappy. We tolerate jobs that cut into our well-being. We stay in roles that rub and chafe and wear away at our happiness. In short, we settle.
A few years ago, while eating lunch with my colleagues in our corporate cafeteria, I looked around the room at everyone and then turned to my coworker. I asked, "Do you think these people are happy?"
He replied, "Right now they are."
"In general, though," I said. "Do you think they're happy?"
He stared at me. "Do you really think anybody is happy with their job?"
And there it was.
We grow up dreaming of being astronauts and princesses. We're told we can achieve anything we want. We're promised the world and permitted to dream beyond its limits. But at some point along the way, we abandon the concept of happiness completely. We build lifestyles of cubicles and commutes. We do what we think we should.
And then we wake up on Monday morning filled with dread and think it would be ludicrous to expect otherwise.
"Nobody likes their job," we justify, "so I shouldn't expect to, either."
The salesman in the film goes on to say, "People think foot pain is a fact of life. Life is actually better than that."
The artist's friend adds, "Your whole life could be better, starting right now."
Your whole life can be better.
You deserve to face Monday with something more than despair. You deserve to feel excited about something more than Friday evening. You deserve to love your job. You deserve to feel that your happiness still counts. Because it does.
Happiness should be a standard that life decisions are measured against, and any decision that undermines your happiness should be regarded as a poor one.
Don't bind yourself up in a mortgage if you're going to use it as an excuse to stay in a job you hate. Don't move to a city you hate for a job you hate just because it pays well. Don't arrange your life so that you work an hour from home if you're going to spend the commute missing your children grow up.
Do not settle for shoes that hurt your feet.
Do not justify a job that pains you in other ways.
Happiness is a basic necessity. Expect happiness -- and then figure out how to get it.
To borrow one last line from the movie, "I am prepared for amazing things to happen."
I deserve it. You do, too.
The shoe salesman glances at the artist's shoes and asks, "Are those comfortable?"
She says, "I guess so. I mean, they kind of rub my ankles, but all shoes do that. I have low ankles."
He looks her in the eye and says, "You think you deserve that pain, but you don't."
You think you deserve that pain, but you don't.
Too many of us go through life quietly enduring things that make us unhappy. We tolerate jobs that cut into our well-being. We stay in roles that rub and chafe and wear away at our happiness. In short, we settle.
A few years ago, while eating lunch with my colleagues in our corporate cafeteria, I looked around the room at everyone and then turned to my coworker. I asked, "Do you think these people are happy?"
He replied, "Right now they are."
"In general, though," I said. "Do you think they're happy?"
He stared at me. "Do you really think anybody is happy with their job?"
And there it was.
We grow up dreaming of being astronauts and princesses. We're told we can achieve anything we want. We're promised the world and permitted to dream beyond its limits. But at some point along the way, we abandon the concept of happiness completely. We build lifestyles of cubicles and commutes. We do what we think we should.
And then we wake up on Monday morning filled with dread and think it would be ludicrous to expect otherwise.
"Nobody likes their job," we justify, "so I shouldn't expect to, either."
The salesman in the film goes on to say, "People think foot pain is a fact of life. Life is actually better than that."
The artist's friend adds, "Your whole life could be better, starting right now."
Your whole life can be better.
You deserve to face Monday with something more than despair. You deserve to feel excited about something more than Friday evening. You deserve to love your job. You deserve to feel that your happiness still counts. Because it does.
Happiness should be a standard that life decisions are measured against, and any decision that undermines your happiness should be regarded as a poor one.
Don't bind yourself up in a mortgage if you're going to use it as an excuse to stay in a job you hate. Don't move to a city you hate for a job you hate just because it pays well. Don't arrange your life so that you work an hour from home if you're going to spend the commute missing your children grow up.
Do not settle for shoes that hurt your feet.
Do not justify a job that pains you in other ways.
Happiness is a basic necessity. Expect happiness -- and then figure out how to get it.
To borrow one last line from the movie, "I am prepared for amazing things to happen."
I deserve it. You do, too.
Monday, 25 March 2013
Tuesday, 12 March 2013
HAPPINESS
Three weeks after our wedding, we moved to Europe.
We had not completed our college educations,
We didn't speak the language,
We didn't know the customs,
We didn't understand much about life on any continent.
Between us we earned less than $150 a month.
Our rent was $100.
We were a couple of kids
Embarking on a new adventure.
We struggled.
We were happy.
Many years later some things are different.
We completed our college educations,
We learned the foreign language,
We grew up.
We know a bit more about life.
Together we earn more than we need each month.
But some things are the same.
We still struggle.
We are still happy.
It wasn't lack of wealth
That made us happy before.
It isn't possession of material things
That makes us happy now.
It's the intangible part of life
That we embrace:
Best friends
Building a life together,
Fellow strugglers
Supporting one another,
Mutual achievers
Caring what happens to each other,
Pals
Playing together,
Lovers
Being together.
We are different sides
Of the same coin.
That's happiness.
We had not completed our college educations,
We didn't speak the language,
We didn't know the customs,
We didn't understand much about life on any continent.
Between us we earned less than $150 a month.
Our rent was $100.
We were a couple of kids
Embarking on a new adventure.
We struggled.
We were happy.
Many years later some things are different.
We completed our college educations,
We learned the foreign language,
We grew up.
We know a bit more about life.
Together we earn more than we need each month.
But some things are the same.
We still struggle.
We are still happy.
It wasn't lack of wealth
That made us happy before.
It isn't possession of material things
That makes us happy now.
It's the intangible part of life
That we embrace:
Best friends
Building a life together,
Fellow strugglers
Supporting one another,
Mutual achievers
Caring what happens to each other,
Pals
Playing together,
Lovers
Being together.
We are different sides
Of the same coin.
That's happiness.
Carole Bos
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
What is Love?
But what is love, and how do we know when we're in it? First, let's start off with what love isn't.
What Is Love?
It Definitely Isn't...
•Manipulation. "If you loved me, then you would..." isn't love, but rather infatuation.
•Compromising who you are. If someone asks you to do or say something that isn't in your nature, that isn't true love. Although love does involve compromises between partners, someone who is in love with you will never ask you to change who you are in order to be loved.
•Violent. Passions can definitely become inflamed with someone you love, but a relationship with physical or emotional violence isn't true love.
•Just lust. Yes, chemistry and physical attraction are important, but true love also includes commitment, trust and respect.
So then, what exactly is love?
True Love Is...
•True Love is Caring. The ancient Greeks had many different names for different forms of love: passion, virtuous, affection for the family, desire, and general affection. But no matter how love is defined, they all hold a common trait: caring.
•True Love is Attractive. Attraction and chemistry form the bond that allows people to mate. Without this romantic desire for another individual, a relationship is nothing more than lust or infatuation.
•True Love is Attached. Like the mother-child bond, attachment comes after the initial attraction. Attachment is the long term love that appears anywhere from one to three years into a romantic relationship (sometimes sooner and very rarely after), and you'll know you've found it when you can honestly say, "I've seen the worst and the best you have to offer, and I still love you," while your partner feels the same way.
•True Love is Commited. When it comes to true love, commitment is more than just monogamy. Its the knowledge that your partner cares for you and has your back, no matter what the circumstances. People who are strongly commited to one another will, when faced with seemingly negative information about their partner, see only the positive. For example, a friend comments that your partner doesn't say a lot. "Ah yes, he's the strong, silent type," you reply. People with less commitment to their partner would instead say something like, "Yeah, I can never have conversation with him. Its annoying."
•True Love is Intimate. Intimacy is a crucial component of all relationships, regardless of their nature. In order to know another, you need to share parts of yourself. This self-revealing behavior, when reciprocated, forms an emotional bond. Over time this bond strengthens and even evolves, so that two people merge closer and closer together. Intimacy by itself if is a great friendship, but compiled with the other things in this list, it forms an equation for true love.
By Bonny Albo
Sunday, 27 January 2013
The Starfish Story
One day a man was walking along a beach, when he noticed a boy hurriedly throwing things into the ocean. Approaching the boy the man asked ' Young man , what are you doing?'
The boy replied, ' Throwing Starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out.If I don't throw them back they will die'
The man laughed and said ' Don't you realise there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of Starfish? You can't make any difference'
After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another Starfish and threw it into the surf. Then smiling at the man the boy said,
' I made a difference to that one'
The boy replied, ' Throwing Starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out.If I don't throw them back they will die'
The man laughed and said ' Don't you realise there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of Starfish? You can't make any difference'
After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another Starfish and threw it into the surf. Then smiling at the man the boy said,
' I made a difference to that one'
Saturday, 27 October 2012
Dalai Lama Quotes
"Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes in rebirth or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness and compassion." -- His Holiness the Dalai Lama
In the present circumstances, no one can afford to assume that someone else
will solve their problems. Every individual has a responsibility to help guide our global family in the right direction. Good wishes are not sufficient; we must become actively engaged."-- His Holiness the Dalai Lama,
Human beings by nature want happiness and do not want suffering. With that
feeling everyone tries to achieve happiness and tries to get rid of suffering, and everyone has the basic right to do this. In this way, all here are the same, whether rich or poor, educated or uneducated, Easterner or Westerner, believer or non-believer, and within believers whether Buddhist, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, and so on. Basically, from the viewpoint of real human value we are all the same."-- His Holiness the Dalai Lama,
When receiving the teachings, it is important to have the correct attitude. It is not practicing the Dharma properly to listen with the intention of gaining material advantage or reputation. Neither should our goal be higher rebirth in the next life, nor should we be wishing only for our own liberation from samsara. These are all attitudes we should reject. Instead, let us listen to the teachings with the determined wish to attain the state of omniscience for the sake of all beings."-- His Holiness the Dalai Lama
"With a selfish attitude, oneself is important, and others are not so important. According to Shantideva's advice, a technique to help in turning this attitude around is to imagine- in front of yourself as an unbiased observer- your own selfish self on one side and a limited number of other beings on the other side- ten, fifty, or a hundred. On one side is your proud, selfish self, and on the other side is a group of poor, needy people. You are, in effect, in the middle- as an unbiased, third person. Now, judge. Is this one, single, selfish person more important? Or is the group of people more important? Think. Will you join this side or that side? Naturally, if you are a real human being, your heart will go with the group because the number is greater and they are more needy. The other one is just a single person, proud and stupid. Your feeling naturally goes with the group. By thinking in this way, selfishness gradually decreases,
and respect of others grows. This is is the way to practice."
"If there is love, there is hope to have real families, real brotherhood, real equanimity, real peace. If the love within your mind is lost, if you continue to see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education you have, no matter how much material progress is made, only suffering and confusion will ensue.
"Human beings will continue to deceive and overpower one another. Basically,
everyone exists in the very nature of suffering, so to abuse or mistreat each
other is futile. The foundation of all spiritual practice is love. That you
practice this well is my only request."-- His Holiness the Dalai Lama,
In the present circumstances, no one can afford to assume that someone else
will solve their problems. Every individual has a responsibility to help guide our global family in the right direction. Good wishes are not sufficient; we must become actively engaged."-- His Holiness the Dalai Lama,
Human beings by nature want happiness and do not want suffering. With that
feeling everyone tries to achieve happiness and tries to get rid of suffering, and everyone has the basic right to do this. In this way, all here are the same, whether rich or poor, educated or uneducated, Easterner or Westerner, believer or non-believer, and within believers whether Buddhist, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, and so on. Basically, from the viewpoint of real human value we are all the same."-- His Holiness the Dalai Lama,
When receiving the teachings, it is important to have the correct attitude. It is not practicing the Dharma properly to listen with the intention of gaining material advantage or reputation. Neither should our goal be higher rebirth in the next life, nor should we be wishing only for our own liberation from samsara. These are all attitudes we should reject. Instead, let us listen to the teachings with the determined wish to attain the state of omniscience for the sake of all beings."-- His Holiness the Dalai Lama
"With a selfish attitude, oneself is important, and others are not so important. According to Shantideva's advice, a technique to help in turning this attitude around is to imagine- in front of yourself as an unbiased observer- your own selfish self on one side and a limited number of other beings on the other side- ten, fifty, or a hundred. On one side is your proud, selfish self, and on the other side is a group of poor, needy people. You are, in effect, in the middle- as an unbiased, third person. Now, judge. Is this one, single, selfish person more important? Or is the group of people more important? Think. Will you join this side or that side? Naturally, if you are a real human being, your heart will go with the group because the number is greater and they are more needy. The other one is just a single person, proud and stupid. Your feeling naturally goes with the group. By thinking in this way, selfishness gradually decreases,
and respect of others grows. This is is the way to practice."
"If there is love, there is hope to have real families, real brotherhood, real equanimity, real peace. If the love within your mind is lost, if you continue to see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education you have, no matter how much material progress is made, only suffering and confusion will ensue.
"Human beings will continue to deceive and overpower one another. Basically,
everyone exists in the very nature of suffering, so to abuse or mistreat each
other is futile. The foundation of all spiritual practice is love. That you
practice this well is my only request."-- His Holiness the Dalai Lama,
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